


Taste

by lysanatt



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alpha!Remus, Animagus Bestiality, Canon Compliant, M/M, Remus/Tonks - implied, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-02
Updated: 2012-06-02
Packaged: 2017-11-06 15:47:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/420563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lysanatt/pseuds/lysanatt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus has never forgotten the taste of the honey-tasting kiss Remus gave him on a warm spring day at Hogwarts. But there is more to Remus than honey and kisses and sweetness. Severus realises that when Albus Dumbledore wants him to play errand boy and deliver Wolfsbane to Lupin the day before full moon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Taste

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings** : Canon character deaths, explicit bestiality, slight bondage, alpha!Remus and a little blood.
> 
> Written for Snupin Santa and Snegurochka Lee.  
> Thanks to Red and Chart for beta.

**Chapter 1: Honey Spring**

Remus Lupin tastes like honey. That is the first thing Severus can think of when the small basket he has been holding drops to the ground, spreading an array of various herbs over the spring-green grass. They have been collecting herbs for Professor Slughorn when it happens. Kneeling, Remus Lupin brushes off his fingers, puts down his small basket and leans forward, pressing his lips against Severus' thin mouth.

Time moves slowly. Severus can feel Remus' warm hand against his nape, pulling him closer. Around them bees are humming, the birds above are busy, too, singing to the spring and the upcoming summer. The sun is warm, making Severus' black robe almost unbearably hot. But all that is forgotten in the tenderness of the unexpected kiss. Severus has kissed before, but nothing like this. Lupin is far too experienced: the way his lips move, the way the tip of his tongue slides over Severus' lower lip, into his mouth... oh, Lupin has tried this before, and Severus forgets how much he despises Lupin and his awful Gryffindor friends, just for a heartbeat, just long enough to open his mouth slightly, to taste the honey and the sweetness of Lupin's kiss and of what the kiss promises.

Severus sighs, and the sound is enough to pull him out of the enchanted bliss. He is kissing Remus Lupin and that is probably the last thing in the world Severus wants to do willingly.

Remus Lupin tastes like honey, and honey-coloured is the glow in Lupin's golden eyes. When Severus pushes him away, sneering something unintelligible but decidedly rude, Lupin's disappointment and confusion taste like honey, too, and Severus has only had a small taste. The rest of the day he wears a knowing smirk, one he is in favour of sending Lupin every time he is able, just to renew the sad look in the other boy's eyes. Such a lovely way to quench tail-wagging enthusiasm.

But the feeling of the kiss still burns on Severus' mouth, and when the night comes, he masturbates to the thoughts of what would have happened, had he not refused Lupin's advances.

To begin with, his thoughts are filled with thoughts of Lily - as usual. Her skin. Her hair. Her green eyes. Her direct, undiplomatic way that is so far from any other girl's. He thinks of her, just as he always does when he pushes his pyjama bottoms down and pulls his cock with thin, cold fingers. But tonight it is different. The picture of Lily fades and instead there is another, one of a boy with brown hair and golden eyes and the loveliest smile Severus has ever seen.

He lies there in the dark, hand around his hard prick, and can think of nothing but Lupin. He forgets about Lily, forgets that one of his classmates is sleeping in the bed next to his, able to hear what he is doing if he wakes up. However, the thought of being pushed down on the ground by Lupin overrules any caution and silencing spell. Severus' mind is filled with images of this strangely forceful and forward version of the meek Remus Lupin. Severus never thought that the otherwise so cowardly boy could be like that. It is disturbing and it arouses Severus more than he would like to admit.

Luckily all coherent thoughts disappear as Severus daringly pushes a thin finger into his own arsehole, imagining what Lupin would have done and how. On his knees and with his head buried into the lumpy pillow, Severus comes, so deeply lost in his fantasy that he can almost feel Lupin thrusting into him, his slender hips slapping against Severus' buttocks. The name that spills over his lips, muffled, into the mattress, is not Lily's either.

The next day he hurries to forget about the incident and how he debased himself. As easy as that, he goes back to hating Remus Lupin. Everything is like it is supposed to be; Severus hates Lupin, Lupin and his friends hate Severus. One day, Severus is going to make them all suffer.

Yes, Remus Lupin tastes of honey, but Severus was never one for sweets.

 

**Chapter 2: Wolf Moon**

Remus Lupin tastes like death and it is the most exhilarating taste of danger Severus has ever had.

The nights before the full moon have been long and filled with the memories of a werewolf on the loose, as if the moon has got a hold of Severus now, too. It has been a month, and Severus has not moved an inch closer to forgetting that Sirius Black tried to kill him, aided by his charming friends. The waxing moon has pulled forward memories of the humiliation and the secrets revealed and of the _unfairness_ of life - not that Severus isn't aware already that life in general is a long line of unfair treatment and lost cases. He can't let go. He is still so enraged that, once more, the Gryffindor gang was protected and pampered, and that he, Severus Snape, was told to shut up and ignore that the headmaster allowed a dangerous Dark Creature on the Hogwarts grounds. It has been a month, almost, and Severus is precisely as angry as the night it happened. 

When werewolf Remus Lupin happened.

Severus is restless. He cannot sleep. He sits in the deep window niche, his blankets wrapped around his thin shoulders against the night's chill wind. Above the trees, the waxing moon hangs, mocking him. Pursing his lips, he wonders if that is the same kind of pull Lupin feels when he slips into the form of the raging beast. If Lupin feels at all. No matter. The beast should not be here, at Hogwarts, but Severus has promised the headmaster not to pursue the case. Of Galleons Severus has none but honour he isn't lacking. Not even when it comes to Remus Lupin. The revenge he wants he will get sooner or later. Severus is if nothing else a patient boy. He can wait.

He leans his brow against the cool glass, staring both at his own pale face reflected in the window and at the moon outside. Far away, he can see someone sneaking over the grounds, towards the Forbidden Forest. Curiosity killed the cat, but it hasn't yet got rid of Severus Snape. He throws the blanket on his bed and pulls a robe over his pyjamas. Sockless, he finds his boots and is on his way outside even before he has tied the laces. Severus has recognised the "someone". It is Remus Lupin, and that a day before the full moon. Severus wants to know what is going on.

The night is clear. The scent of the first autumn leaves hangs spicy and a little mouldy in the air, telling about the winter that will soon come. Severus likes the night and the darkness and has no problem following the path Lupin has taken. The moon creates little unclear shadows; dark against dark, and Severus has almost reached Lupin before he slips into the impenetrable blackness of the forest. Here, no moonbeams can reach; only occasionally the moon's light finds its way through the deep layer of leaves and needle-lined branches. The whole world seems to be encased in a shroud of emptiness; it is barely possible to see the outlines of the nearest fir trees. The ground is covered by decades' worth of fir needles. They silence sounds, dampen any noise, making everything quieter. It is like being lost in a maze of silence.

Severus has lost orientation. He is fairly sure where Hogwarts is, there is a faint shimmer of light somewhere behind him. Where Lupin has disappeared to, he doesn't know. At least the wolf is not here with his idiot friends, because there is no way _that_ meeting would have happened quietly with noisy, bragging exhibitionists like Potter and Black. Severus spits on the ground, expressing his distaste for the pair. The silence is as telling as any noise would have been. It is so quiet that Severus can hear his own heartbeat. He waits. Minutes seem to pass by, measured out by the almost inaudible thump-thump in Severus' chest. After a while he gets bored. He considers going back to his warm bed.

Then there is a sound. A branch creaks and breaks. Then silence.

'Lupin,' Severus whispers and his words disappear into the darkness.

Suddenly, and before Severus can even think to reach for his wand, something is over him, something wild and untamed. He lands on his back on the ground, the impact lessened by the thick cover of needles. He yelps, trying to determine what has attacked him. In the faint, grey light he can see little, but a set of sharp white teeth and a pair of sharply burning eyes are clear enough to make an impression. It is Lupin, yet not.

'There is no Lupin here,' growls the strangely altered boy above him, and the look in his eyes underlines that Lupin indeed seems to have left. 'The name's Moony.'

'I don't care. Let go of me!' Severus growls back, afraid, but not more than he is still able to fight back. 'Filthy creature! Let go!'

The boy has the audacity to laugh. It sounds more like a deep bark. 'Let go? I don't think so,' he says and pushes Severus harder into the ground. 'I didn't get what I wanted last moon, why would I let my prey slip away now?'

Then the wretched wolf grinds itself against Severus, and every thought of honey kisses disappears, because there is no tenderness, no sweetness left in Remus-that-is-not-Remus's eyes. It takes a few seconds before Severus realises what the hard thing rubbing against his groin really is. It takes another second to realise that the shiver that runs along his spine and makes him lose any control he has ever had is not fear. Or rather, it is, but not fear alone. He is just as hard as the boy who calls himself Moony. Danger is an aphrodisiac.

'I see you get it now,' Lupin says, the beast still ruling his actions. His hands are still tightly wrapped around Severus' wrists, and the creature doesn't seem inclined to let go. 'You just had to go look for me again, the day before full moon, didn't you? Maybe you just need to realise there are consequences to everything, Snape.'

Severus has realised that quite a bit, with an untransformed werewolf on top of him. 'I didn't!' he cries. 'Why would I want to?' Fear and arousal mingle and the assertiveness of this boy-wolf makes Severus hesitate for an instant. 'Let go!' he repeats, whimpering as Lupin thrusts his hips against his own. It doesn't sound as if he means it.

Clearly Lupin doesn't think so either. He moves again and again, rubbing his hard cock against Severus'. Severus' anger is forgotten in favour of their shared lust. Severus hadn't thought he'd ever give in to something like this, and he fights weakly, just for good measure. For the first time, Severus understands what the mingling of danger, dominance and sex means and he doesn't like it at all, he just wants it. It is powerful. He wants the feeling of being able to let out all his hidden anger, to know that nobody is going to ask him to be fair and sensible and behave like a human being, because the beast that is holding him down isn't one.

The fear makes the hard kiss taste like death. And this death, the _petite morte_ , is one Severus likes better than the seductive honey-sweetness. Lupin's tongue is in Severus' mouth, and there is no tenderness in the way Lupin takes his mouth. It is like being devoured, Severus thinks and gives as good as he gets, his reply to the kiss just as violent.

'Snape... ah,' Lupin groans, and somehow hands have opened robes. Warm skin pushes against warm skin, and both boys clutch at each other, almost violently. Severus wants to close his eyes, but the sight of Lupin's feral face mesmerises him and he can't look away. The real Remus Lupin seems to be gone, leaving this animal clad in human skin. The werewolf looks at Severus through Lupin's eyes, just like that night a month ago. Severus is afraid. Very afraid. The thought that the wolf is there, almost out of Lupin's body... it is the most exciting thing Severus has ever experienced. As Lupin's hand encases both of their damp erections, it takes only a few strokes before they both come, their warm semen smeared over naked bellies and crinkled robes.

Only then does Severus come to his senses. 'What the hell do you think you are doing?' he shouts and pushes Lupin away, angrily. 'I'm going to get you for this, disgusting animal,' he rages, pulls his robe and his wand with him as he throws a nasty hex that leaves Lupin blemished and swollen for days, and in places one doesn't want to be blemished and swollen at all. But Severus doesn't tell anybody about the incident, and neither, probably, does Lupin.

It happens only this once. Remus Lupin tastes like death, and Severus buries the feeling and the taste so deep in his mind that he is certain he has forgotten all about it, never to seek for such a rush again.

 

**Chapter 3: Reluctant Affairs**

Remus Lupin tastes like betrayal. He tastes of betrayal and shame and fear and of the dreams and fantasies so obscure and dark that Severus prefers to think they have nothing to do with him. Or with Lupin. As it is, Severus is wrong. They have a lot to do with Lupin. They have everything to do with Lupin.

For almost a year, Severus did what Albus has asked him. Not only did Severus ignore the fact that the old fool has hired a werewolf to teach Defence of the Dark Arts, but he also fed Lupin his medicine, he kept quiet about the beast that lives inside the man; he kept quiet about the danger they are all in every time Lupin changed. Severus is so tired of it. The bloody boy wonder and his Gryffindor gang... they are Dumbledore's pets. Black, once more, is the one who gets his way, and once more Severus is the one who is supposed to swallow his pride and his ambition.

That is how it begins: Severus is sitting in his office, wallowing in self-doubt and trying to convince himself that hinting at Lupin's _disease_ to a number of Slytherin students, most noticeably Draco Malfoy, does in no way conflict with his attempt to redeem himself for causing Lily's death. The two events are entirely separate entities. He does manage to relish Lupin's disappointment and the sadness and the fact that Lupin now has to go back, living the life of an outcast. Ragged and hungry, Lupin will have to live from hand to mouth, doing what Severus has done for so long, swallowing his pride to survive. It has been a month since the wolf was chased out, and Lupin still takes up far too much of Severus' time. Lost in his thoughts, Severus doesn't even notice he has a visitor until Albus coughs demonstratively.

'Severus, I have an errand for you,' Dumbledore says and holds up a small box. It's important. Urgent, to be precise!'

'Of course. I live to serve,' Severus sneers. 'As Potions master of this bloody school I have nothing else to do than to wait for your command. What is it now? You have eaten the last of your Lemon Drops and you cannot possibly survive without another batch?' Severus snorts and pushes his chair back. 'Count me out. If you perish and die, I shall be sure to send flowers.'

'Thank you, Severus, you're so kind. I like tulips,' Dumbledore says, smiles annoyingly and puts the box down on Severus' desk. 'If you'd please take this to London for me? It's for Remus Lupin.'

'Oh, and here I thought it might be something _unimportant_.' Severus sneer becomes even more strained and angry. 'But of course, Headmaster, if _Lupin_ needs a wooden box, I'll hasten. Nothing is closer to my heart than to deliver empty boxes to a sodding werewolf.' Severus crosses his arms over his chest. 'What's in it? Chew toys for the puppies?'

Dumbledore doesn't look as happy as before. 'Wolfsbane,' he says, and the smile doesn't reach his eyes. 'The brewer who usually made it suddenly became vengeful, as you might recall.'

Severus doesn't even want to justify that with an answer. He knows what the reply will be. Again it is his fault, never the bloody Gryffindors'. Severus stands, reaches for the box and sighs demonstratively. 'And where does this thing go? Diagon Alley? Or Lupin's flea-ridden den?'

'Honestly, Severus... If only you would be a bit kinder to Remus Lupin.' Dumbledore looks worried. 'He is not well, but he is a good man. You shouldn't be so... untoward.'

'I'll remember that when he tries to eat me next time,' Severus murmurs. 'Out with it, man. Where is the wolf? I don't have all day for this.' Severus reaches for his robe, impatient. He has no need to see, speak or be even remotely kind to Lupin. What does he care if Lupin is going to rip himself apart come full moon?

'A flat over Borgin and Burkes. _They_ are not prejudiced,' Albus says.

'Considering that they are dealing in Dark Arts artifacts and contraband it is not extremely surprising,' Severus spats. 'Lupin probably pays the rent with werewolf parts if I'm not mistaken. Hopefully there is little left when I arrive.'

'Oh, Severus,' Dumbledore sighs and leaves. So does Severus. He hurries outside to find a spot to Apparate from, dreading the long jump from Hogsmeade to London. He really doesn't want to do this, but he doesn't want to use time on Dumbledore's complaints either.

Slightly dizzy, Severus steps out of thin air a few yards from Borgin and Burkes's sooty, gloomy building. There is a scratched, green door on the right that seems to lead into the house above the shop. Tryingly, Severus turns the door knob. The door is neither warded nor locked. The dark staircase smells like the rest of Knockturn Alley: like cabbage and poverty and centuries of dust and mildew. _Baffling_ , Severus tells himself, _that thousands of years of magical education cannot make witches and wizards master simple household spells_. Not that Severus' own house carries any evidence of Severus' mastering said spells, but at least he knows them. Since he is never there anyway, he doesn't care.

He walks up the creaking stairs until he reaches a landing. One of the doors has a note on it, written in Lupin's neat, steady hand. _R. Lupin_ , it says. Severus sighs deeply. Better get it over with. He knocks. It takes a little while before the door is opened.

Lupin looks like he always does. Slightly ragged; neat, mended clothes that look as of they come directly from Oxfam; messy, greying hair.

'Lupin,' Severus sneers, as if the mere pronunciation of the name is distasteful to him.

'Severus, what a surprise. I thought-'

'I don't care what you thought. Dumbledore forced me to be his errand boy.' Fumbling for the small box, Severus pulls it out of one of the deep pockets in his robe. 'Your Wolfsbane.' Severus holds out the box for Lupin to take, impatient to get away from the smelling dump of a house and from the man he detests.

Lupin looks slightly uncomfortable. 'Won't you stay for a cuppa? Did you Apparate? You must feel tired,' Lupin yaps on, eager like a lost puppy.

'Tired? You are a fool, Lupin.' Severus doesn't care to discuss what being at Dumbledore's beck and call means. Tired... Severus can't stop himself from letting out a derisive snort that sounds a bit like a bitter laughter. Lupin has no idea what "tired" means. Anyway, Severus is nauseous and worn, not only from Apparition.

It is only when he is seated in Remus' old, but comfortable sofa five minutes later with a steaming cup of Earl Grey that he realises he should have declined the invitation right away, out if principle. Severus isn't ready to admit to himself that it feels odd being invited to tea by the man he just robbed of job, Galleons and a decent place to stay. But Severus nurtures his entitlement. Lupin is a Dark Creature. A danger. Severus knows that, first hand.

He gulps down the tea. Remembering the encounter with the beast Lupin carries within makes Severus restless and uncomfortable. He murmurs something that possibly can be taken for a thanks and stands.

Lupin just watches in silence.

'What?' Severus snaps. 'You don't expect me to throw sticks for you to fetch, do you?'

Lupin is oddly calm when he replies. 'Would it cost you so much to be a little polite, Severus? I know we are never going to be friends, but if at least we could call a truce?'

Stopping in the doorway, Severus shakes his head. 'Lupin, you are such a doormat. You even look like one. Why would I care about what you want? It's just the same old song and dance: you have just as much backbone as a stuffed toy poodle.'

Severus startles as Lupin lets out a sound that seems more like a growl than anything else. 'I have patience, Severus. But not unlimited. It is too close to-' Lupin cuts himself off, puts the cup down on the table and manoeuvres his long legs out from under the coffee table. He gets up and takes two steps in Severus' direction; due to the diminutive space, it brings him so close that Severus can touch him - or that he can touch Severus.

Lupin places his hand on the door frame, a few inches from Severus' face. 'You can't stop yourself from goading and provoking me, can you?' Lupin's smile is not kind any longer. 'Do you ever get enough, Severus?'

'Enough? As in _enough, Lupin has made amends for what he and his friends did_? Or is it another _enough_ you are talking about?' Severus' anger rises. He has no problems recalling every insult, every degrading act the Gryffindor gang has exposed him to, from the day they went to school together until now. The incidents are _legio_.

'So we're talking payment now?' Lupin's voice is low and without the soft submissiveness it usually holds. 'Precious, coming from the man who just managed to leave me without a steady income.'

'In your dreams, Lupin, if you think I am going to-'

'That is not the kind of payment I am looking for,' Lupin interrupts and once more Severus can trace a growl in the tone of voice. It makes him startle.

'To be honest, you really don't look as if you've ever been paid for anything,' Severus growls back, looking at Lupin with pursed lips, making it clear that his ragged robe is abysmal compared to any hand-me-down piece of clothing Severus has ever owned, and Merlin knows his robes were never the most fashionable. 'I assume you found that rag you're wearing in a rubbish heap somewhere? Don't you have _friends_? I seem to recall you had some, maybe you can whore yourself out to them - the ones that are still alive, that is. Perhaps you should have-'

'You see,' Lupin says, coldly cutting Severus off. 'I could never ask this kind of currency from my friends. Only from you, Severus.'

Lupin's eyes are strangely feral, the soft honey-golden has changed, the eyes fiery yellow, like that of a... Oh. Oh! Severus steps back, surprised, and almost yelps when his back hits the wall in the narrow corridor. There is a burning sensation in his body, as if Lupin's transformation before him has triggered a hidden need. Severus recognises the feeling. It is the feeling of danger and adrenalin rushing through his veins; the sensation of arousal and anger. He glares through calculatingly, half-closed eyes at Lupin. 'What is it you want, then, wolf? Hungry? You look like you haven't had a decent meal for weeks.' Severus doesn't know why but he cannot stop himself from provoking Lupin, as if to see if there is something stronger, harder inside the man. As if Severus wants to see the wolf for himself.

'You know what I am, and you still choose to provoke me?' Lupin is deadly still for a moment, as if he is trying to control something that basically is uncontrollable. 'You know what we are.'

Severus doesn't think the "we" is supposed to include him. And he truly knows what Lupin is, what his inner beast is. Nevertheless, he fails to stop himself from challenging Lupin again. 'Yes. I do. You're a disgusting, dirty, dangerous Dark Creature.' Every word contains the contempt Severus feels toward Lupin and the curse he holds. Severus raises his face, looking up at the wolf, even let the challenge show in his eyes, in his stance. 'An animal!'

'Oh Severus,' you really don't know when to stop,' Lupin sighs and moves so fast that Severus doesn't manage to react before the man is over him, pushing him harder against the cold brick wall. Squeezed between the corridor's faded blue wallpaper and Lupin's lean body, Severus fights to get away, but Lupin is much stronger than he seems. 'Lupin! Cease immediately! What...'

'Too late,' Lupin growls and kisses Severus, surprising him in a way that makes him unable to fight the tongue that is shoved into his mouth, or the hands that rip at his robe. Lupin's fingers are like steel: one hand is firmly closed around Severus' thin wrists, the other ruthlessly destroys Severus' clothing: Lupin's impatience is surprising, almost more than Lupin's advances. The sound of tearing fabric, however, is arousing, almost as arousing as the dangerous kiss.

'Lupin, have you gone insane?' Severus gasps when Lupin lets go of his mouth. Severus has difficulties concentrating; Lupin's hand is on his chest, scratching and pinching and doing things to Severus' body that shows that Lupin definitely has some experience. 'Stop it!' Severus demands, not entirely sure whether he'll be disappointed or not if Lupin actually obeys.

'No,' Lupin groans and shoves Severus' robe off his shoulders, licking a nipple, an action that makes Severus forget that he should be fighting to get the creature off his body. Unfortunately, Severus' will to do that disappears as Lupin's experienced sucking makes him forget everything but the lips on his body.

Severus closes his eyes and leans back against the wall. His breathing is far too revealing: ragged and loud it speaks of precisely how much he likes what the bloody wolf is doing.

'So this is how you want it,' Lupin murmurs and fumbles to open Severus' trousers. 'You just want to be forced... to have your choice taken away.' It is not a question, and Severus is glad it isn't. He knows Lupin's words are true. He does like what Lupin is doing, despite the hate and the contempt and disgust he feels. It just makes the whole thing even more dirty. Severus does like to be taken by someone he is attracted to. He wants to be wanted by someone who needs him enough to demand his submission. It has happened rarely - only a few times of which Severus enjoyed every moment. Unfortunately Lupin's words also make Severus realise that he _wants_ to be taken by Lupin because the danger makes it even more arousing and the wolf's wild dominance adds spices to a dish Severus has only tasted briefly.

'I don't want it!' Severus exclaims, angry with himself. 'Even if you weren't a Dark Creature, you're still a liar and a traitor, and I hate being touch-' Severus' anger drowns in a deep moan.

'You don't want it?' Lupin purrs as he slides a finger up Severus' hard cock. Severus hisses as Lupin smears the tip's wetness over the head. 'Tell me again you don't want it,' Lupin demands. 'Like you mean it.' He leans in and licks the bare skin of Severus' neck. 'Just say the words, Severus. Tell me you don't want to be on your knees under me, while I fuck you until you come so hard you've never had better. Just tell me,' he whispers, licking Severus' earlobe. 'Tell me you don't like it hard in the arse, or that you don't want me to suck you until you cry out and come in my mouth. Or that you don't want to leave this place with scratches and love-bites and marks on your wrists because I tied you up. Tell me, and I'll let you go.'

Severus lets out a mewl, unable to do anything but whimper as Lupin makes a ring of his thumb and index finger, sliding it up and down Severus' shaft, tight enough to make it hurt a little. He wants to tell Lupin to sod off, but the words have gone.

'Or you can take the difficult road and stay,' Lupin says softly, 'and let me give you pleasure. Let me take you any way you want.'

'Mhm,' Severus attempts, but Lupin's movements are faster now. The sensation of steel-hard fingers on a steel-hard cock... Lupin cannot demand a reply from him when Lupin does things like that.

'Mutual release, Severus,' Lupin says. 'The wolf is restless - and you provoked it. You want it hard, and that is what you get when you play with the wolf.' Lupin presses his thigh between Severus, moving it against his groin. 'Give in, Severus. I'll make sure you don't regret it.'

This has already gone too far. Can it possibly feel any more humiliating or degrading if Severus lets Lupin do what he wants? Severus doesn't think so. Lupin has seen his weakness and nothing is worse than that. Also, it has been far too long since Severus has had any. Maybe, if he ignores the fact that this is Lupin, he might be able relieve some of the stress and frustration that, apart from Potter and his friends, make Severus' life close to a living hell.

'If you ever breathe a word about this to _anyone_ ,' Severus growls, and is again interrupted by a demanding kiss that removes any ability to complain he has ever had.

'I take that as a yes.' Lupin uses some time to make sure Severus' neck is licked and bitten appropriately. 'I am known to be able to keep a secret,' Lupin murmurs and raises his head, sending Severus a sarcastic grin. 'Contrary to someone else I could mention.'

'Are we going to chat or fuck?' Severus sneers. 'I don't bloody care what you think, Lupin.' Severus tries to push Lupin away, but can't. Lupin's eyes flash. The strange yellow colour returns and it is as if Severus can see the wolf there, under the surface.

'I thought you'd never ask,' Lupin growls, his voice strangely distorted. It makes Severus feel weak and hot. Lupin is surprisingly attractive when he forgets about politeness and appearance. Before Severus can react, Lupin has grabbed his arm and is pulling him into a tiny bedroom that holds nothing but a bed, since it is all there is room for. A hard push sends Severus sprawling; trousers open, the shirt still attached to one arm by the cuff. The robe has disappeared somewhere out int the corridor. 'Undress,' Lupin demands, and there is a tone in his voice that tells Severus that contradicting the order is going to hurt. Lupin pulls off his own ragged robe and the shirt he wears under it, leaving Severus a view to a slender torso, lean arms and a dusting of curly brown hair just above the lining of Lupin's trousers.

'Oh,' Severus says, appreciatively. Lupin is not bad. This might indeed turn out more pleasurable than Severus has imagined. He manages to pull off boots and socks and trousers, slightly embarrassed, but still too aroused by Lupin's touches to truly care.

'So obedient,' Lupin growls and kneels on the bed, sliding forward, placing an arm on each side of Severus' head. 'Spread your legs for me, Severus,' Lupin orders, in a tone that doesn't allow contradiction. Persistently, Lupin pushes Severus' legs apart. There is little fight left in him; Severus recognises true dominance when he sees it. The glimpse of the alpha wolf over him and the promise of release is enough to make Severus do what he is told. Reaching for a vial of oil, Lupin slicks his fingers. Severus wonders briefly _how_ experienced Lupin is, since he obviously is prepared for situations like this.

'I've thought of you like this,' Lupin growls. 'Naked and obedient and with my fingers inside you.' He pushes two fingers into Severus' arse; they're wet enough to make it pleasant, despite the fact that it has been ages since someone penetrated Severus last. Severus can't hold back a moan. The long fingers turn inside him, rub and massage and make him move restlessly against them.

'More,' Severus says, wanting another finger.

'More, _please_ , Remus,' Lupin says and stops moving the hand at all.

'Fuck you, _please_ , Remus,' Severus sneers and tries to get up. There are limits!

Obviously, Lupin has limits too. With rough hands he turns Severus around, ignoring his protests. Lupin reaches for something on the floor and before he can react, Severus finds himself with his hands tied firmly to the headboard; Lupin's belt is strong and Severus can't get out of the tie, no matter how hard he pulls. Lupin's body is hard against Severus' skin, too, and strong hands steady his hips, preventing more fighting. 'Much better now,' Lupin says, and his voice sounds so much like a wolf's growling that Severus freezes. It is the day before full moon. There is no way Lupin can change. No way! No matter the facts, Severus still tries to turn, to at least confirm that Lupin is still Lupin. The man's breath is hot in Severus' ear, and he manages to turn his head. Looking into a pair of lupine eyes does not make Severus feel safe. Lupin looks as if the wolf is ready to burst out at the slightest touch of the moon. Or maybe without it.

'Lu-Lupin?' Severus can feel the old fears rise, mingling with his anger and his lust. It's a powerful mixture, stirring things deep inside him, making his cock throb and his need uncontrollable.

Lupin's reply is yet another wild growl and three fingers thrust up Severus' slicked hole. Severus moans loudly. It is harsh and good, and the ruthlessness that Lupin possesses is surprising. 'Yes, oh, yes!' Severus gasps and pushes against the hand that spreads him open, wanting more fingers, more Lupin.

'Mmm, delicious,' Lupin says, and moves back a little. He continues to move his fingers, but there is a soft, wet feeling added to it as Lupin licks over the rim of Severus' hole, soundly appreciating the scent and the taste. Lupin presses his tongue inside as well, playing with Severus' arse until the moans he lets out are satisfyingly loud and incoherent. Severus has the feeling that a huge wolf has just done what huge wolves usually do; he is not sure he likes all the licking and sniffing. Unfortunately, his mind decides to help him on the way by creating an image of the werewolf with erect penis and wild eyes... oh, Merlin! Shameful, Severus suppresses the thought, not wanting to entertain any notions like that.

Behind him, Lupin straightens up, caressing himself. Severus can feel Lupin's hand brush over his arse cheek: a fast rhythmic movement. 'In me,' Severus growls. 'Lupin!' Where the words come from he doesn't know - Severus could have sworn he would rather die than have Lupin touch him like this. But Lupin is offering, and Severus is starving. 'Fuck me, damn you!'

'Yeah,' Lupin agrees, and spreads Severus' cheeks apart, widening him, relishing the sight of Severus' wet, ready hole, it seems. Then there is a hard thrust and Lupin slides inside. His cock is larger than Severus thought, or perhaps he is just too tight and unfucked for too long. 

'Slowly... Lupin... Slowly.' Severus moans at the feeling of the shaft moving in him, of Lupin's hard thighs against his backside. The hands that are holding his hips are firm and strong. Lupin slows down, thrusting in a little, only to pull out and thrust in a little deeper every time. Severus wants Lupin to ram it in hard, but he doesn't want to leave with his arse split. It takes a little time and more careful thrusts before Lupin's curly pubic hair is rubbing tickling Severus arse.

'Done,' Lupin whispers, and there is trace of laughter in his voice.

Anger and bile rise in Severus' mind and throat. How dare Lupin? 'Let go of me!' Severus sneers, writhing in Lupin's hands.

'Shut your mouth,' Lupin growls and slams into Severus, so violently his head almost connects with the headboard. 'Be quiet, unless you are crying for more.'

And cry for more Severus does. Lupin fucks him ruthlessly, with obvious experience and the forcefulness of a horny werewolf. The cock moves in and out, faster and faster, Lupin's fingers are grasping Severus' hips to get more momentum, then move to pinch his nipples so cruelly that Severus cries out. There is, however, no more talk about stopping or letting go. The flood of lust takes them both, flushing them into a maelstrom of overwhelming release. Lupin wraps his hand around Severus' cock, jerks him off in a way that perfectly underlines the rhythm and the harshness of their fucking. Severus cannot stop himself from coming; he moans and clenches around Lupin's cock, so tight that it hurts when Lupin thrusts hard a few times and spills himself in Severus, growling out his orgasm.

 

This is how it begins: every month, the day before full moon, Severus finds an excuse to visit Lupin. Severus begins brewing Wolfsbane for him again, letting Dumbledore believe that _he_ has managed to talk Severus into it. The brief meetings with Lupin are nothing but brief meetings, the length of an orgasm or two. They meet, they fuck and they leave each other, that is all there is to it. Autumn comes to an end, and so does winter, and their trysts are still as cold as December: release and nothing else. As they have expected, the Dark Lord returns, putting even more strain on both of them. The danger they're both in lends more significance to their meetings: they need the relaxation more than ever. They never talk about it. But it is as if Voldemort and the world around them cease to exist in the few hours they have together in Lupin's dump of a flat or in a cheap Muggle hotel or even once in a public toilet. Romance it is not, and will never be.

Spring comes and goes, as well as the long, hot summer. Severus' time and energy are split between duty and Death Eaters, leaving no time for rest. He is on the edge: the edge of his abilities as a spy, the edge of his patience with Potter and the edge of how much one man can stand alone. Later, in the autumn, with Dumbledore gone and that harridan of a woman as the new headmistress, life is not to Severus' liking, not at all. Only in bed with Lupin he can forget. Tied up and with Lupin's cock buried inside him, Severus leaves all his worries and let Lupin take over his life and will for a night. No matter what Severus thought of Lupin before they began this illicit affair, he is... enchanted.

Lupin is a better fuck than Severus had ever thought: daring and wild. Severus knows the wolf is the reason. Lupin's lust spirals and is close to being out of control when the waxing moon calls the beast. Severus still hates Lupin and his meek, apologising ways. Not that Lupin is truly weak, he just acts that way so as not to scare people around him. Severus' general assessment that people are idiots and cowards is still valid. Lupin is, at least with Severus providing his Wolfsbane, as close to safe as a full-fledged werewolf with an intimate knowledge of the Dark Arts can be. But weak? Never.

It has taken Severus time to come to that conclusion. He doesn't trust Lupin or his inner wolf. Well, when it comes to the things they do for the Order, Lupin is trustworthy. Despite that, during their meetings Severus unconsciously cuts shorter and shorter the little span of time before he leaves Lupin to his inner wolf. Longer, on the other hand, is the time they are together. It has happened twice now that Severus has fallen asleep in Lupin's arms, angry with himself and Lupin when they wake up. The anger covers up Severus' satisfied mood nicely. Anger and the moon's urgency don't stop them from doing it again before Severus leaves, though.

 

**Chapter 4: Day Moon**

Remus Lupin tastes like sea water and of the deepest abyss, the kind one sinks into when one has lost sails and ship and any sense of navigation. They say, Severus knows, that the last thing a drowning man sees is a white, bright light, like that of the morning sun.

It is on such a bright morning - or rather noon, since they've shagged until dawn, then fallen asleep in Lupin's rickety bed - that Severus takes the final step and falls into the abyss that is his relationship with Remus Lupin. Whether it is his own mind that fucks with him or Lupin's carelessness that drag him to the edge, Severus doesn't know. Soon it doesn't matter.

'Severus?' Lupin's sleepy voice penetrates Severus' sleep. 'I think you need to-' There is a rustle, as if a duvet is pushed aside. 'Severus!' The voice is more urgent, and Severus' eyes snap open, realising something is not as it should be. Severus turns, only to see Lupin curl up around himself, shaking, as if in pain.

'What's the matter?' Severus sits up, despite his hate for Lupin he is worried. This is not normal.

'Moon. Early,' Lupin groans and shivers, his back turned to Severus. 'Don't run,' he growls, his voice rough. 'Not sure what happens if you run.'

Confused, Severus is paralysed for a few seconds, until he realises the reason for Lupin's behaviour: outside, the moon is rising, full and round and pale white on the blue sky. Day moon. How could they be so _stupid_?

'Want,' Lupin growls, and lets out a pained moan as he sits up on his knees, his face oddly distorted. 'Want mate.'

No. Oh, no! Not that. Severus is on his way out of the bed when Lupin's hand, long-fingered and with claws instead of nails, stops him. 'Mate, please?'

The mixed politeness and possessiveness make Severus hesitate. He can't. He can't do what... Lupin, Moony, asks him. It is too much, and too close to Severus' hidden desires. He doesn't _want_ to admit that he has imagined this situation before, since the night when the young Moony incubated this... _disease_ in him. However, Lupin has never asked him for anything, not that Severus has been inclined to give anything to Lupin, either. And "mate"? They've never been mates, and never will be. Of that Severus is certain. He doesn't do "mates". They fuck, and that's all there is to it.

Hesitating, Severus watches as Lupin's beast fights to take over. It moves under his skin, it shines in his eyes, dominant and feral and wild. The base desire is overwhelming. Taking a deep breath, Severus nods his consent. Now there is nothing left other than to believe in his own ability as a potions maker. If the Wolfsbane fails, the next full moon will be... interesting. Without taking his eyes off the changing wolf, Severus reaches for his wand. At the slightest sign that Lupin is not still Lupin, the werewolf will be on the painful end of a nasty hex.

Lupin's change is painful. Severus has never seen anything so pathetic. There are whimpers and yelps and spasms as the wolf takes over Lupin's body. It is appalling and fascinating at the same time. Disturbing. Finally, Lupin lies still, fully changed. He is breathing hard, tongue lolling, and the huge flanks moving fast. The large wolf is a marvellous creature, Severus has to admit, with lush golden-brown fur and lines that speak of power and speed. 'Lupin?' he asks, softly, 'are you there?'

The reply is a short, muted bark. Tryingly, Severus reaches out, for the first time touching Lupin-who-is-Moony. Severus hasn't forgotten the name the wolf has given itself. 'Moony?' he asks again, tentatively brushing a hand over the wolf's fur. Lupin lets out a low growl, one Severus recognises as similar to that of a dog being belly-rubbed or scratched behind the ear. Pleasure. 'Hmm, so you like that... Moony?' Severus asks and buries his fingers in the warm, soft pelt. Another growling groan. Severus cannot stop himself from laughing. The situation is so utterly absurd. He should be scared, disgusted, somewhere else. But he isn't and it doesn't matter. 'This is insane,' Severus states and scratches Moony even harder. This is a betrayal of any principle Severus has, his long and well-nurtured hate of the wolf slowly seeping away as he discovers the pleasure of warm fur and pleased groans. Lupin is still in there, together with the Dark Creature, and it is a surprisingly interesting mix.

Soon Severus discovers the wolf's other interesting features.

Moony has recovered from the change, and the wolf struggles to get up, the soft bed not entirely helpful. As the creature is on all fours, Severus shrinks back. The beast is gigantic! Severus has to remind himself that this _is_ Lupin, no matter the package. The wolf lolls its tongue and makes such a ridiculously innocent face that Severus laughs and relaxes. 'Merlin, you are hopeless,' he tells the wolf and is rewarded with a wet lick on the cheek. 'Stop that,' Severus demands, rubbing the beast behind one ear.

Clearly Moony has developed a thorough deafness, because the beast doesn't stop. The next lick is over Severus' neck and ear, just where Lupin _knows_ Severus is sensitive. 'Stop!' Severus demands again, less commanding this time. Another lick, lower, then another, brushing over Severus' chest and nipple. 'Pervert,' Severus says and digs into Moony's heavy mane; whether it is to push him away or drag him closer is... questionable. Moony's tongue is decidedly wicked and able, and soon Severus leans back, groaning as Moony works his way down Severus' naked body.

Clutching the sheets when Moony wraps his long tongue around Severus' cock, Severus has pushed any decency or fear away. The pleasure of this is immense. It's dirty, it's taboo, it's everything Severus has dreamt of. He lets himself sink into the pool of lust. With closed eyes, he thrusts up, wanting more, wanting to come in the wolf's sharp-teethed mouth. But Moony has other ideas. The tongue is suddenly gone, replaced by the sensation of furred legs against Severus' sides. A soft _woof_ rips Severus out of his werewolf-induced trance. He looks up, only to find a long, thin cock half-sheathed in fur just above his face. There is no doubt what Moony wants him to do. Oh, well. There obviously are lower and hitherto unexplored levels of Hell. An insecure breath leaves Severus before he reaches out, touching the naked, wet thing. It is hard, yet soft on the outside, dripping from the thin semen the wolf already leaks.

It tastes like salt water and oysters, not at all unpleasant. The thin fluid doesn't have the taste of human semen. Moony lets out a satisfied growl, making little thrusts as if to signal that he wants Severus to take it fully into his mouth. Severus moves to sit on his knees. He takes Moony in, as deep as possible, but his throat is not deep enough for the long prick. Sucking it, he massages the rest of the length with one hand, making the wolf pant and whine. Severus is hard, too, but he is so encompassed in this new, dirty experience that he doesn't care to do anything about it.

Moony lets out a bark and pulls back a little. Severus looks up, wondering what the wolf wants. His mouth is wet and his cheeks smeared with werewolf come. Moony gives him a lick, then pushes him, as if it wants him to turn. Severus looks questioningly at the beast. 'What?'

Another push, then another until Severus realises what it is, exactly, that Moony wants. _Mate_ , Lupin said. Severus looks at the beasts thin cock once more. Does he really want this? There is more to it than that: the knot at the base of said cock. Severus has a vague idea of how dogs mate. The knots are to keep them together until the dog has finished coming - a process that might take half an hour. Severus asks himself if he can endure that, realising it is similar to being tied up and used, something Lupin has done to him many times. Severus likes being tied up, feeling free in the power of another man.

Accepting the inevitable, Severus reaches for the oil they keep in the bedside table's drawer. On his knees, he spreads a generous amount over his fingers, ignoring Moony's eager yelps. 'It's not your arse,' Severus snaps. 'Be grateful I am letting you do this at all.' That it arouses Severus as much as it arouses the wolf is another matter, and has nothing to do with it. With three fingers up his own arse, Severus spreads his hole slick and open. He does not want to be hurt more than is pleasurable. He manages to press a fourth finger inside, readying himself for the wolf. Almost before he has pulled his hand out, the wolf is over him. The cock is wet and slimy against his back and he has to reach behind to help Moony get inside.

The wolf is not gentle. Severus cries out as the first thrust goes in to the hilt, widening what Severus hasn't widened himself. Oh, damn, it is good! It hurts so much that Severus almost faints, but the way the swelling knots immediately rub against his prostate more than makes up for it. Moony fucks him with little hard thrusts; fast and ruthless, as if Severus' pained cries only arouse the wolf more. Carrying the wolf's crushing weight on one arm, Severus grabs his cock, furiously pulling it. He needs to come, now! He moans as the pressure inside him increases, preventing the wolf from moving much. Above him, Moony pants, caught in Severus' body and the long orgasm. The beast's warm breath and a little werewolf drool moisten Severus' neck.

'So good,' Severus groans, pushing back against the long werewolf cock, making the knots move inside his arse. 'Moony, please... move... more... fuck me!' Severus cannot hold back. His arse is widened almost impossibly; the intense manipulation of his prostate makes him spurt, moaning incomprehensibly. It takes a few minutes in which Severus is lost in the pleasure before he realises the full impact of being fucked by the wolf: there is no way he can escape the cock and the knots. There is no way he can stop the stimulation of his hole and his prostate. It hurts. It is too much. Soon Severus is sobbing, held in this no man's land between deep pleasure and deep pain. He has no idea how long Moony has been on top of him, inside him. It is just... overwhelming, like nothing Severus has ever felt. Little by little, the pain subsides, and pleasure takes over.

Severus cannot keep his voice down as he comes again, more intensely this time: a dry orgasm, forced by the knots' merciless rubbing of his prostate. As he gasps for air, Moony lets out an appreciative bark. It takes only a few moments before the wolf moves again, this time because it is done, it seems. The pressure inside Severus seems less violent, and Moony is able to pull out, much to Severus' relief. He is certain he could not have survived yet another orgasm like that.

For a minute, he just rests on his arms, his abused hole throbbing with pain and werewolf come running down his thighs. Moony offers a comforting lick on his neck, but Severus doesn't want any tenderness now. The experience is too much. He has overcome his fear of the wolf, he has done something so appalling that he cannot stomach it. Now he just wants... out. He takes a deep breath and reaches for his wand to clean himself.

Somewhat less dirty, Severus gathers his clothes and leaves without a word or a glance at Moony. He doesn't think he can possibly sink any lower. He has done it with a Dark Creature. He has moaned and cried and begged, and he has swallowed the werewolf's cock. He let the wolf fuck him like a bitch in heat until he came harder than he has come in his entire life. No, there is no possibility of sinking lower than that.

Nevertheless, Severus is back in Lupin's bed the next day before the next full moon. There is no reason not to go and their common desire for the hard, deviant sex is about as strong as the moon's pull. It can't possibly get any worse. Unless, of course, the Dark Lord finds out, and Severus is going to make sure that won't happen. As it is, their secret meetings go on as they have for more than a year. Severus doesn't spare another thought on those meetings or on what they do when they are together, he just meets with Lupin wherever they find a decent (or less decent) place to fuck each other.

 _Don't mend what isn't broken_ , Severus thinks and goes on spying and double-crossing and betraying, just as he has always done. He doesn't spare another moment thinking of Lupin. That fact is, still unknown to Severus, about to change.

 

**Chapter 5: The Bond Tightens**

Remus Lupin tastes like regret.

Severus Snape hates Remus Lupin. Severus Snape fucks Remus Lupin once a month, biting back said hate. They don't have a _relationship_. Severus Snape doesn't feel a thing for Remus Lupin other than contempt and hatred. That is the version Severus usually entertains, since admitting anything else would be far too dangerous.

Nevertheless, it is Severus who holds Lupin through that hell night when Black is dead, the Dark Lord momentarily defeated and the Order and the rest of the wizarding world is in uproar. It is Severus who tries to soothe Lupin's pain; it is Severus who dries away his tears, holding him close until there are no more tears left.

How it has come to this, Severus cannot explain. Too many secrets shared? Too much degradation? He has no answer, and he wants none.

But Remus Lupin still tastes of regret and of shed tears.

'If only I had been able to stop him,' Lupin sobs, his tears are dry now, but his pain is fresh and new.

Severus regrets that he has ever heard about Sirius Black, but he doesn't say so. 'I know,' he says instead. 'We have to get used to it, it is not the last one we're going to lose.'

'I know,' Lupin says, too, and buries his face at Severus' neck. They lie like that for a while, until Lupin's breathing evens out and the sobs cease. Before morning comes, they make love, quietly, slowly, under the blankets, as if Severus' pliancy and their kisses can erase the night's events. 'Remus,' Severus whispers in Lupin's ear, and for the first time, Severus think that they are lovers. 'Be careful, Remus,' Severus murmurs, almost half-asleep. 'There are some losses that are harder than others to bear.'

Severus can feel Remus' smile; a slight movement of his lips against Severus' shoulder. 'I promise,' he says.

 

The promise is important. Later, as the summer becomes autumn, it becomes clear that the Order needs to send Remus to spy at the werewolf-packs.

It makes their meetings more difficult, as it is suspicious if Moony is not running with the pack, come full moon. They decide to meet when opportunity allows it. Somehow, their excuses for being together run out, and they both realise they meet because they want to, not just because they share a need for dirty sex. There is more to it than desire.

Fall and winter pass before something disturbs the relative peace they have found with each other and their, well, relationship.

Things are tense in the Order. As usual, Severus comes and goes quickly, not wanting to join the meetings for longer than necessary. It is after one of those meetings he pulls Remus aside, into one of the empty, dusty rooms in Grimmauld Place's labyrinth of unused chambers. Severus has heard rumours. He is not happy about them.

'Nymphadora Tonks,' Severus says, then raises a questioning eyebrow at Remus.

'Oh,' Remus says. 'Don't worry. She has got the idea that I am her perfect match, what with being a gay werewolf and almost twice as old as her.'

Severus shrugs. It bothers him more than he would like to think about. 'No strings attached. You can take her if you want her.'

'She is persistent. We both know how stubborn the Blacks are.'

Severus laughs, bitterly. Yes, they know all about that.

'Don't laugh at her,' Lupin says, misunderstanding Severus' laughter. 'She is a sweet girl, but she is being misled by Minerva and Molly. Having a relationship with a werewolf... _that_ is insanity.'

Severus thinks Lupin is wrong. Nymphadora Tonks is not "sweet". She wears her puppy-like clumsiness like a mask. Behind it she is competent, bright, beautiful. Sweet, clumsy girls don't become Aurors. The clever, resourceful ones do. Underestimating Tonks is a mistake. If Lupin isn't careful, Tonks is going to get what she aims for. With the Weasley dragon mother and the old bat to aid her, the wolf is in graver danger of becoming Mr Tonks than Severus would like to consider. Minerva and Molly are manipulative and so filled with entitlement that it makes Severus sick. How they believe that Lupin is suitable for someone like Tonks is beyond him. Lupin needs someone who is not fragile. Someone who is not blinded by love.

Someone like Severus.

 

When spring arrives, sunny and warm and sodding _romantic_ Remus is still resisting Tonks's advances. As for Severus' and Remus' relationship, their many secrets and Severus' role as a spy, a double spy and a triple spy, if such a creature exists, make it difficult for them to meet. They have to be careful and secretive, since neither the Order, nor the Death Eaters can know about their love affair.

Between them they don't discuss the war. First of all to make sure none of them can betray the other with secrets that should never have been kept hidden. Both Severus and Remus have secrets to the other. They live with it; it is how it has always been. Secrets and danger is what they have both lived with for most of their lives and they don't matter. What matters is that the hate Severus has held for Remus has changed into desire and desire has changed into... what they have now. Severus is not inclined to give it up, and definitely not to a purple-haired Auror who thinks she can have Remus as her tame pet.

Remus doesn't want to be a pet, either. He manages to steer clear of any trap the three witches set for him. And when he finally gives in, it is not due to anything they have done or because he has fallen in love with the woman.

No, it is all Severus' fault. As usual.

They have all been aware of Dumbledore's declining health, Severus most of all. The two of them keep it secret (yet another secret), and when the day comes when Severus has to do what he has promised Albus Dumbledore, he realises that trust is not all it is cranked up to be. Hiding behind the mask of a murderer, Severus fortifies his position as Lord Voldemort's trusted servant. He cannot do anything to let Remus know why he has done what he has done - any hint that this is not what it seems can cost the Order their victory when the battle finally begins. And it will, the war. It will come. Severus had thought, though, that Remus at least would try to find an explanation, that he trusted Severus enough to know that he would not betray the Order. But no explanation is asked for, and none is given. Severus is a traitor and a murderer in the eyes of the Order. And in the eyes of Remus Lupin as well.

The only thing Severus hears before his hope is crushed is a rumour. Rabastan and Rodolphus are outraged, speaking of how Andromeda Tonks has betrayed the family she once belonged to. Just as they speak of her daughter who now lowers herself to a Muggle-lover. Nymphadora Tonks is marrying in July; werewolf Remus Lupin, or so it is said.

Severus is not in doubt. Left alone to the onslaught of three furies, Remus is nothing but an easy prey.

That night, Severus tastes his own tears for the first time in a decade and he has no one to turn to for comfort. That night, he regrets that he hasn't told Remus everything.

 

It is the night before Remus' wedding it happens. A dirty, half-plucked owl flutters outside Severus' window, trying to keep on its wings. Severus hurries to open, letting the ragged bird inside. It scrambles over his desk, upturning a half-filled ink-pot and clenches a claw around the back of _Blood Potions: From Stone Age to the Renaissance_ to stay upright as it holds out its leg. There's a scroll attached to it. Severus recognises the handwriting immediately.

 _The forest, nine o'clock,_ the note says, _where we met once. No trap._. It is signed _Moony_. For a while, Severus just stares out in thin air, wondering why Remus wants to meet. As far as Severus is informed, his former lover is marrying tomorrow, and he cannot possibly imagine what they might have to say to each other, apart from exchanging a few nasty and possibly fatal hexes. Remus has made his choice, and it does not include Severus.

Distractedly petting the owl and feeding it (Salazar knows it looks like it needs to be fed), Severus ponders if the risk is worth it. No trap, Remus promises. It is not hard to believe, what with all Remus' Gryffindor honour and bravado. Severus wants to believe. But he is not a careless man; he would not have survived if he were. He should know better, but still he decides to go. It is foolish, but he wants to go. He doesn't explore the reason. He really doesn't want to.

At eight, Severus is progressing slowly toward the spot Remus has set as their meeting point. Obscured in charms, Severus sets up wards, making certain there are none set up to catch him. He is acting rashly, but he is still not a fool. At nine, Severus is ready. At the slightest sign of betrayal, he'll disappear.

There is no need for suspicion, though. Wisely, Remus has arrived a bit from their meeting place, calling out softly from afar. 'Severus?

'Lupin,' Severus replies, clutching the wand in his robe's wand pocket. 'What do you want?'

'As diplomatic as ever,' Remus says, stepping out from under the firs. The Forbidden Forest is dark, even in the summer's bright evening light. 'I just wanted to talk to you. To get an explanation.'

'An explanation? And only now you think of that?' Severus sneers. 'I hasn't occurred to you that you could have asked me a month ago?'

'I'm sorry. It didn't. There were witnesses enough to your crime. I didn't want to. But I suppose I thought I owed you this, despite what you did.'

'So you decided marrying Nymphadora was the cure for your lost affair? I applaud your consistency, Lupin.' Severus glares at Remus. He didn't think the man was quite that unable to think for himself.

'She's a sweet girl,' Remus says, but he doesn't sound happy. 'It didn't take much convincing.'

'Because the three harpies had already beaten you over the head to make you? And here I thought you were beginning to resemble a man with a spine. I was obviously mistaken.' Severus crosses his arms in front of him, as if to set up a shield between Remus and himself. 'Do you love her?' he asks, unable to keep a tinge of sadness out of his voice.

Remus is quiet for a moment. 'No,' he says. 'I like her.'

'Then why?'

'Someone betrayed me and murdered someone very dear to me. Distraction, maybe. Or the hope that love isn't entirely out of my reach.'

'Aha.' Severus' face is a cold mask. 'And if we hypothetically assume that said murder wasn't a murder?'

'Then I have still made a promise. But it will make me very sad that I have done so,' Remus says and sounds remarkably cold, as if all life has left his voice. 'If we hypothetically assume that I could get a better explanation than that?'

'Would it make you come back to me?' Severus asks, hesitantly. What is done is done. Dumbledore is dead, and the hate that Severus used to kill him with is real. Severus doesn't think that the explanation will make a difference.

'I don't know,' Remus says. 'Is there such an explanation?'

'There is,' Severus admits, tensely. 'Everything that happened happened because Albus Dumbledore willed it so.'

The tension seem to encompass Remus as well. He nods. 'Then I have made a grave mistake. I...' Remus closes his eyes, closing his fists, trying to get a hold of himself. 'It was a mistake already when I accepted Molly and Minerva's suggestion. I made a vow, Severus. I cannot disappoint her now.'

Remus looks up, and Severus has never seen such helplessness in his former lover's eyes. Severus doesn't say anything. He cannot comfort Lupin, neither does he want to. Lupin is tasting the bitterness of his decision, and Severus does not want to share the meal with him.

'You've made your bed, now lie in it,' Severus says, offering no way out. 'Because you are not coming back to mine as long as you have a wife.'

'I didn't assume-' Remus steps closer. 'Severus, please... Even if you cannot forgive me, I won't have a wife until tomorrow. Let me-' He stops himself. 'I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.'

'Let you fuck me? Is that it?' Severus laughs, coldly. 'Close to full moon, is it, wolf? Can't do to her what you did to me?' Severus turns his back, ready to leave. He has had it with Lupin. He is so used to being cast aside that he manages to keep the pain as something distant and dull. Something that doesn't concern him.

'Severus, no!' Remus grabs Severus' arm, turning him around. 'No!'

Fighting the embrace, Severus hisses, 'what is it you want, then? What do you possibly have to offer that can make up for your betrayal?'

'The only thing that I will never give to her,' Remus says. 'The thing I wanted to give to you, even before we became lovers.'

'I see,' Severus says. 'And what would that be?'

Remus looks away for a heartbeat, and when he meets Severus' angry glare again, it is the wolf's eyes that are looking out at him. 'I may be the one who marries Tonks tomorrow,' Remus says softly. 'Moony... he doesn't. She has never seen the beast inside me, and she never will. Moony will never belong to her.'

'Oh,' Severus says. 'Oh.'

Remus doesn't say anything, he just pulls Severus into his arms, kissing him furiously, violently. There is such a longing in those kisses that Severus cannot deny Remus this, because he shares Remus' need. With their clothes half-way pulled off, they sink down on the forest's soft carpet of old pine needles. 'I am such an idiot,' Remus groans. 'Such a bloody fool!'

Severus does not disagree. The entanglement of relationships and feelings and promises is impossible. Spreading out the robe on the ground, Severus lies down. Right now, he doesn't care that Remus is an idiot, or that Remus doesn't want to leave Tonks before the altar. He just _wants_. He wants to forget the troubles that tower in front of them and just _feel_. Remus' kisses. Remus' body. Remus' heart. Remus' taste.

Neither of them have brought any oil. They have to make do with a clumsy spell, one that leaves Severus slick and open. On the other hand it is good, since neither of them have any patience left. Remus takes Severus' hand. 'Turn,' he whispers. 'It's better that way.' Remus leans over Severus' back, kissing his neck and shoulders as he slides a finger in Severus' arse.

'Don't stop,' Severus murmurs. 'I've waited long enough.' The months that have passed have been long and lonely, and Severus wants the cure for them, now.

'I won't,' Remus says, and positions himself, pressing inside carefully, but painfully slow.

Severus hangs his head, breathing fast, as Remus penetrates him, fills him. Not until he is deep inside does Remus stop. Severus is dizzy from the pleasure it gives him to feel Remus' body against his own. 'Yes,' he groans, to tell Remus to go on.

Little hard thrusts open Severus' body, readying him for more, harder. And it will be harder. Remus has indicated that Moony will be a part of their pleasure and Moony is, if nothing else, not gentle. Moony might crave Severus the same way Remus does, but the beast's way of showing it is considerably less careful. Above Severus, Remus moans softly, his breathing slightly erratic. 'Missed you so,' Remus whispers, his voice containing the roughness that tells Severus that Moony is there, just under Remus' skin, ready and eager to mate.

Remus' chest is hot against Severus' back. Severus turns his head to catch Remus' mouth, and the taste of their kiss is tainted by regret. Their union is a bitter one. This is the last time they are together. Tomorrow Lupin will belong to Tonks, and Severus doesn't like it one bit, no matter what promises Remus and Moony give him.

Kisses are burning on Severus' skin, little fires on his neck. He cannot get enough of Remus, but this has to do. For now and for the rest of his life. 'Want you,' he whispers, hiding the words in his needy groan. 'Need you. Don't...' Severus wants to ask Remus not to marry the girl. He wants to beg Remus not to go through with it. He wants Remus to be _his_ only, but he doesn't want to degrade himself by asking. Severus has his pride, and Remus is... Remus. Damned man, with his knightly principles and promises and decency.

'Yes,' Remus growls. 'Want.' He lets out that content, happy sound Moony makes when he is satisfied. 'Mine. Only mine!' The words almost disappear in a feral growl, and Remus' hands tighten around Severus' waist. 'Mine,' Remus repeats. 'Tell me,' he manages between two hard thrusts that rams his cock so deep inside Severus that he cries out, far too loudly.

'Yours,' Severus agrees, fighting to speak as Remus fucks him even faster. 'Remus!'

Unexpectedly, Remus bites down on Severus' neck. Not as he usually does, with his teeth grazing Severus skin, barely leaving a mark out of fear someone is going to realise what is going on between them. No, this time Remus means it. Skin is torn and something warm drips down Severus' neck, to his shoulder, and trickles down his chest. Blood, Severus is certain. The harsh pain only fuels his arousal. Still with Severus' neck between his jaws, Remus slams in, so ruthlessly brutal that it is evident that Moony has taken over control.

Soon after, Remus stops, his body jerking involuntarily, spasming as he comes inside Severus. 'Mate,' Remus groans again, helping Severus on his way with a gentler hand. Only when Severus feels the release race through his body and the splashes of semen dirty his robe does Remus let go of Severus' neck. 'Mate,' he says for the third time, and Severus doesn't know if it is the release or the odd vow that make him feel oddly calm and sated.

Still with Remus' cock in him and with Remus' arm around him, they lie down, holding on to each other. 'We cannot stay for long,' Severus says. 'We cannot afford to attract attention. They keep an eye on me, both here and at the Manor.'

'I agree,' Remus says. 'But I don't want to leave you. I am sorry for-'

Severus stops his words with a kiss. 'Don't,' he says. 'Don't make it worse.'

'Sorry,' Remus says again, looking like a kicked puppy.

'You say that a lot,' Severus bites and sighs. 'If only I was certain you meant it.'

It is time. Severus reaches for his wand and cleans them both up. There is still a bit of dried blood left on his chest when he pulls his robe out from under them and shakes it to get the fir needles off. The robe smells of bubble baths and Christmas when Severus pulls it on. 'What does this mean?' he asks, as he slides a hand over the wound on the back of his neck. 'If it means anything.'

'It means you are my mate. Nothing else.' Remus' expression is blank, as if he is waiting for Severus' reaction. 'I'm a werewolf first and foremost. We don't marry. We mate. Once - and for life. I would never give that part of me to _her_. I couldn't.'

'So I'm your mate? It didn't occur to you to bloody well _ask_ for my consent? Are you out of your mind?' Severus waves a hand; irritated, angry. 'No, don't answer. Merlin's beard, you're an idiot, Lupin!' _Mate_. The word echoes in Severus' mind. Something _she_ can never have. The part of Remus that is his most secret self. Mate. Remus' mate and Moony's. Inadvertently, Severus rubs over the bite, and the touch fills him with a content calmness. He cannot even manage to rage at Remus sodding Lupin. 'What have you done to me?' he whispers. 'What have you done?'

'The only thing that can make me keep my promise and you,' Remus says solemnly. 'I don't know how long it will take, but I will take what belongs to me.' Remus' expression is gentle, as if the calmness Severus feels goes both ways. 'We have to part, Severus, but please believe me. I'll come back to get what is mine. I'll come back.'

 

Time is a fleeting thing. It can move fast, or painfully slow. Time is never the same; never consistent. Time is measured out in minutes and seconds, but they are never similar. The month after their mating moves slowly. Severus hates _time_. Because for the next hour and the next day and the week after; indefinite amounts of little tick-tocks measure out his loss. Severus misses Remus with every fibre in his body. Around full moon it is worse. The memories of their coupling and the strong pull of the moon and the bond Remus and he share make the nights sleepless, not that Severus sleeps well at all. His dreams are filled with growling wolves, and for the first time in his life they are not nightmares.

Life on the edge goes on. Lord Voldemort is, if possible, more insane than usual. The Dark Lord's grand plans of immortality and glory make it impossible for Severus to make his own plans. Instead tries to stay at Hogwarts as much as he can. He has all those bloody children to protect, and despite his dislike of the little buggers, he doesn't forget the promise he made to Lily, or for her. He will see to it that the wizarding world is rid of the Dark Lord.

Occasionally, there are reports. Accounts. Filled with daggers and needles and jealousy. "Nymphadora and Remus Lupin are expecting a child." or "A son is born to werewolf R. Lupin. The child is to be marked as a traitor, like the parents.". Severus cannot say how much he hates it, so he just puts on a blank mask, then gets raging drunk as soon as he is alone in his flat. He is Moony's mate, and every little progress in the relationship hurts, no matter if Remus has agreed to it merely out of duty. If only Severus knew there was an end to it, it would be easier to bear.

But there is no end. The Dark Lord's war plans go on, Remus' marriage goes on, and so does Severus' miserable life. This odd standstill is exhausting. But standstills are bound to move sooner or later, and so, indeed, does this one.

It is the selfsame half-naked owl Remus used last time that acts like the messenger for change. It is late April and spring is here, annoying Severus with chirping birds and budding trees and too much light and sun. He is really not in the mood for all this cheeriness. He never is, but all the sodding _coupling_ reminds him of what he doesn't have. Severus has considered inventing a hex to take down some of the irritating sparrows, just because he can, but ends up casting a silencing charm to get rid of the noise - which prevents him from discovering the owl until it desperately throws itself at the window, making the hinges rattle.

The owl is treated with some extraordinarily delicious pieces of fine veal from the kitchen; Severus feels a bit guilty having ignored the bird. The owl might be working overtime, poor thing.

The note it carries is written in Remus' neat handwriting, signed _Moony_.

 

The address in the note leads Severus to a Muggle hotel. The building is small and neat; hidden away in a narrow street close to Kings Cross. It is easy to disappear into the crowd of Muggles, just as it is easier to disappear if one of them is spotted on the way. Severus has no idea what Remus wants, but the mere thought of seeing his mate again pulls and tugs at Severus' heart in a way he has never experienced before. The need is more than physical. All this mating business is unquestionably something powerful. Severus' research on the topic has brought him nowhere. Werewolves are secretive beings.

The need is also what literally brings Severus to his knees the moment he is inside the hotel room Remus has booked. The first touch between them releases a magical energy so violent that Severus' legs give up, and they fall into each others' arms on the soft rug.

'Merlin be damned,' he groans before he crushes his mouth over Remus', kissing him so hard that their teeth collide and Severus nicks his upper lip. Remus is pulling at Severus' Muggle shirt; a black button is ripped off and disappears under the bed. 'Off. Now!' he moans and engages in another deep kiss, sucking at Severus' tongue, swallowing as much of it as he can.

'In a hurry, are we?' Severus says when he is finally able to breathe. 'Did she throw you out, or have you been sleeping on the sofa lately?' he asks, rather snarky. 'Or are we just out looking for a bit of fun with the rejected professor?'

'It is not like that,' Remus murmurs and spreads his fingers on Severus' naked chest, brushing through the sparse black hair, circling the nipples. 'You are my mate.'

'I understand that - that is when you finally let me in on the fact,' growls Severus, a rough growl worthy of a werewolf. 'Idiot wolf.' He strokes Remus' sides, counting the ribs that protrude clearly underneath Lupin's warm skin. 'She doesn't feed you either?'

'I know precisely what I want to eat,' Remus sighs, leaning back. 'I'm picky.'

'Is that so?' Severus reaches out, impatiently, and opens Remus' trousers. He is wearing Muggle clothes, and they suit him. 'And what would you pick if you had a choice?' Severus' voice is low and sultry. He takes in Remus' appearance with a hungry expression on his thin face.

'I do have a choice, Severus.' Remus follows the line of Severus' slender neck, then buries his hand in the long black hair. 'I do.' He sends Severus a boyish grin. 'Right now I pick my favourite dish.'

The longing inside Severus is unbearable. 'Why doesn't that sound particularly reassuring, coming from a werewolf?' Severus pulls his own trousers open, eager to get naked and close. 'Now, as for eating...'

'Thought you'd never ask,' Remus says and pushes Severus down on his back. More clothes are strewn over the floor as they move together; Remus' hands are rough, he is as needy as Severus and it has been far too long. Severus has barely time to wonder what is happening before Remus has undressed him. Moaning in Severus' ear, Remus' cock is hard as stone. 'Mate,' he groans, over and over, fumbling for his wand to make Severus ready. They don't have _time_! Their patience has fled, there is nothing more important than to make love, instantly. Remus turns Severus' face, baring the right side of his neck. Remus' mark is still visible, the scar will fade but never disappear. 'Mine,' Remus says, emphasising the fact by kissing Severus again, licking and tasting, so wolf-like that Severus laughs into the kiss. Remus is too damned wonderful, and Severus cannot manage to hate him at all. The mating probably has one or two things to do with it, but still... He should be angry, but isn't. Severus shrugs it off; it has to be the werewolf magic. He can be angry later, since making love has taken priority.

'Despite being your mate, must we do this on the floor?' Severus gasps, breathless, as the kiss stops. 'Can't you fuck me on the bed?' The rug is soft, but he's getting too old for this and his knees won't have it. Or maybe it has just been too long since Remus has had his way with Severus. He's been getting soft.

Remus, however, has not softened. His reply is brutal. Severus is hauled up from the floor and thrown on the bed, making it creak dangerously. The roses on the bedspread make Severus feel like being thrown into a flower bed. 'We mate where I say we mate,' Remus snarls, the wolf just underneath the surface, flickering in his eyes, as if it wants to burst out of the human hide. No, there is no patience left. 'Raise your legs,' Remus demands, obviously trying to keep Moony from overtaking his voice. 'Show me what's mine. Spread yourself.'

Severus lets out a pathetic, whimpering sound. He is filled with an unbearable desire for Remus, and the wolf's dominance is doing things to Severus that renders him utterly lost in said desire. It is both humiliating and exhilarating to be taken this way; to bare his most intimate part for his lover. Spreading his legs wide, and with trembling hands, Severus reaches down and pulls his arse cheeks apart, exposing himself to Remus' hungry inspection.

'Yes,' Remus moans and slips a finger inside Severus' hole. 'I missed this too,' he says and leans forward to lick Severus' cock. Remus' mouth is soft and hot and it takes a very short time (in Severus' opinion) before it feels unbearably good to thrust up again and again. With Remus' agile fingers buried in his arse, Severus can't hold back. Remus is good with his tongue.

'Can't... can't...' Severus pants, 'Remus... Oh!'

Remus doesn't stop, so Severus lets go, letting his orgasm wash any coherent thought away. He closes his eyes and let the immense pleasure take over, coming hard, moaning Remus' name over and over. When the ecstasy finally lessens its grip on him, he can do nothing other than lie there, trying to catch his breath. Over him, Remus takes his dishevelled, flushed appearance in; he likes the sight, if one is to judge from his unwavering erection and the way the golden eyes shine.

'My turn,' Remus says, licking his lips, as if savouring the taste of his mate. Severus is not in doubt that is exactly what Remus does, the wolf is too obsessed with scent and taste at times. Right now Severus is pleased. Pleased and sated.

'Please,' Severus whispers. No matter that he has just come, Severus wants Remus inside. He wants to be taken hard; to leave the bed with the feeling of Remus' advances on his body. He wants Remus to carve his need into his skin, to leave more scars: they are proof that Severus is wanted. 'Don't hold back,' he urges and makes sure Remus isn't in doubt where to go: Severus opens himself widely, fingers dug deep into the skin to show what is his to use.

With the wolf's swiftness, Remus is over him. It is like war - there is no mercy, neither given, none is asked for. Remus is in to the hilt with the first thrust, and Severus is relieved they used a bit of magic to loosen things up. It hurts, but not unbearably, just enough to make Severus cry out and cling to Remus, raking his nails over Remus' back for revenge. With hard, deep thrusts, Remus takes Severus. There is no finesse, no patient caresses, just raw need. Remus pinches Severus' nipples, bites his neck, then grabs his hips so hard it bruises them: the pain and the cries Severus make seem necessary, as if they are cherished by the wolf - and the man. There are more bruises and scratches; they do not mate peacefully; it is impossible after such a long abstinence. With Severus' legs wrapped around him, Remus doesn't last long either. With his teeth buried in Severus' neck, repeating the unspoken promise, he comes, pulling out before he is fully done, only to smear semen over Severus' body, marking him with his scent as well.

'Mine,' Remus repeats when he flops down next to Severus, spent, tired and - if one is to judge from the tired smile - happy. He emphasises it by taking Severus in his arms, pulling the bedspread over their sweaty bodies.

Severus rests his head against Remus' shoulder. Right now he doesn't want to think. He doesn't want to know what happens when they leave the small hotel; he is so used to being disappointed. Also, Remus' warmth is far too pleasant. It doesn't take many minutes before they are both asleep; in Severus' case the first decent sleep he has had for months.

The early morning sun is sharp, but that is not what wakes him up. Severus is a bit confused: there are warm, soft lips on his, and he is breathing into a deep kiss. 'Where am I?' he manages, pulling out of the kiss with the world spinning and his mouth filled with the taste of heaven.

'In my bed, or rather the hotel's bed,' Remus says and closes his mouth over Severus' again. And just as Severus has always known: Remus tastes exactly like summer-warm honey, sweet and clover-spiced and nothing at all like something Severus likes. Remus Lupin tastes like... heaven.

'I am leaving her,' Remus says when he lets go of Severus for the second time. 'If I survive this, I'm leaving her.'

Sedated by the feeling of contentment and held tightly by the man he desires so, Severus cannot manage his usual level of arrogant sarcasm. _Why_ , he wants to ask, despite the fact that he already knows the answer. 'She is not going to be happy,' he says instead.

'Yes she is. And, I think, so am I.' Remus smiles broadly, that all-encompassing, lovely, honest smile that shows precisely how sharp and perfect his teeth are. The smile makes his eyes sparkle.

'We're going to war.' Severus knows better than anyone what is to come. 'You may never get the chance.' He looks uncharacteristically soft and the hand that wanders down Remus' back is tender and warm.

'There is always another chance.' Remus looks at Severus as if he were the second coming of Godric Gryffindor.

'Were you born a naive idiot, or is there another reason you turned out this way?' Severus knows enough about second chances to know that they aren't free. Nothing in this world is free. 'If you were born like that, at least you have an excuse.'

Lupin turns over and leans on his elbow, his hair falling over Severus' face. Behind the curtain of greying brown hair, Lupin laughs softly. 'You really set new standards in depression.' Lupin kisses Severus' nose, something that earns him a dark glare. 'Promise me one thing, Severus,' Lupin demands. Severus cocks an eyebrow. 'Promise me to take the chance if you get it.'

'I don't know what you mean,' Severus sneers, although he knows very well. What he had never thought would come to them is finally here.

'Just stay alive,' Lupin says. The words _for me_ hang between them, unsaid.

Severus nods, and gives up pretending. 'I promise.'

 

With Remus' promise safely hidden away in his heart, the days are bearable. The Dark Lord is preparing for war. It comes sooner than Severus thought. Remus and he do not meet again. They both have things to do. Maybe they will still be able to take what they have chosen for themselves after the fighting is over.

It is not as if Severus has counted on surviving. There are too many enemies on both sides; the number of friends who will give their life for him are few. But for the first time since Severus promised Albus Dumbledore to do his bidding, Severus hopes he will come out on the other side, whole. For the first time since then, he has something to live for.

Someone.

The whirlwind that is war pulls Severus with it. It pulls him out of the school he has sworn to protect. Of course Potter is the guilty one: his rash, idiotic behaviour ruins Severus' plans. Fleeing from his former colleagues, Severus regrets that he ever promised Albus to protect the boy hero. He would personally wring the boy's neck, if he weren't the only one able to save the wizarding world. Such a sweet sacrifice. Potter's upcoming death will transform Severus' redemption and the sacrifices he has made into yet another murder. Albeit that Albus is the one who groomed Potter for this, Severus is just as guilty: a complicity he - despite his hate of Potter - never wanted to be a part of. The sacrificial lamb... no, Severus doesn't like it at all, and least of all he wants to be the one who leads the lamb to the altar.

However, Severus' life is not entirely miserable. The strengthening of the bond which the mating has created makes Severus think that he can sense Remus out there, like another, weaker heartbeat, far away. It is as if the flash of magic they experienced has enhanced Severus' senses - that, or he is just hallucinating. Severus does not regret that. He is connected to Remus in a way he never thought possible. It doesn't matter anymore that his lover is a werewolf and a Dark Creature. The bond with Remus gives him hope, just as it has given Remus hope. Severus doesn't yet want to voice it, but it is there, a flicker of light in the dark.

The day finally comes, and Severus is not prepared for it. He is not prepared for Potter's reckless idiocy; idiocy that leaves Severus unable to control what happens inside Hogwarts. He is not prepared for the way the Dark Lord disposes of his Death Eaters as were they broken toys. Lucius - proud, beautiful Lucius - is treated worse than a servant, and Narcissa is right when she fears for her son's life. Severus has been careless, he knows that: being the Dark Lord's favourite does not mean that one is protected. On the contrary. It means that one is first in line when someone is to blame. He is disposable. They are all disposable.

Severus' suspicion is fully awake when Lucius comes to order Severus to join the Dark Lord in the Shrieking Shack. He doesn't trust the Dark Lord at all.

'He has gone mad, Severus,' Lucius says. 'I don't know what he wants with you, but be careful.' Lucius is a wreck, worn down in the attempt to make the Dark Lord forget that Draco is an even easier target. They clasp hands, a long firm grip, underlining the friendship they once had, before the Dark Lord tore that apart.

'I will. Be careful as well, Lucius. The madman will stop at nothing, and he doesn't care whether you are wandless or not if he sends you into battle.'

Lucius nods, tired. 'I just wish this was over. They are fighting at the school now. I'm so tired. If only...' The words neither of them have dared voice are clear anyway. If only the Dark Lord was killed.

'Yes,' Severus says. 'I long for peace too. I'd better go.'

'Take care,' Lucius says again, before Severus is gone. 'Take care, my friend.'

 

As Severus is stepping inside the Shrieking Shack he cries out. A sudden pain flares through his body. For a moment he thinks it is the Cruciatus. Wand in one hand, leaning against the broken door post, he gasps and gathers himself, enough to look around. No one there. The searing pain is almost to much. Breathing in deeply, Severus tries to determine where the pain comes from. He realises it is not a pain from outside, but one from inside. It feels as if his heart just broke. His heartbeat is still there, sound and strong. He puts a hand over his heart, just to feel the muted thumping under his hand.

It is then he realises that the odd double heartbeat he has been feeling since the night he became Remus' mate has gone. Remus! No! Severus searches for the calmness and the peace he has been able to find in their bond. Gone. As the realisation of what has happened dawns, Severus clings to the door handle, desperately willing time to stop or go back or end. Remus... no...

'Severus, are you so secure in your position that you let your master wait?' a hissing voice asks.

Merlin, as if the Dark Lord and all his affairs matter this instant!

'Severus!'

Reluctantly, Severus straightens up and walks inside. Hopefully, the Dark Lord will be kind enough to send him into battle. He might find relief there, killing the witch or wizard who took his mate.

Soon, Severus is the wiser.

 

Betrayal. Severus has done the dirty work of two masters and both have betrayed him. Dumbledore's double standards, his cold mind... it hurt more when Severus found out how Albus had used him. The Dark Lord? Severus has no illusions left. Still he had hoped to fight, fulfilling the promise he once made: to make up for Lily's death by protecting her son. Severus' thoughts wander. Was there anything he could have done differently? He doesn't think so, and there in the darkness of he quiet house, it doesn't matter.

He drifts in and out of consciousness. At some point, he thinks he sees Lily, her lovely green eyes over him. The face changes into that of her son's, and Severus huffs arrogantly. He is not sure he is actually huffing. He might just dream he is doing so. Mercifully Potter disappears. Then Lily comes back, and all Severus thinks of is to explain to her. Everything. He lets her see his memories, because it is much easier that way. It is too hard to speak, and the loss of his mate is too painful to let him. He wants to tell Lily that he was happy for a while, with Remus. She might have liked that. But he can't.

Remus is dead. The full impact of his loss hits, and Severus can't think, can't breathe. His heart has been ripped out. The Cruciatus is a mere needle prick compared to the loss of his lover. Now he regrets they didn't get more time together; regrets that he didn't fight for what he wanted; regrets that his damned pride prevented him from begging Remus not to go on with his marriage. Just a year or a week or even a second more with Remus... and now he cannot have it.

There are many ways of regretting. Another kind of regret lies in a small vial in Severus' pocket. Never underestimating the Dark Lord and his pet snake, Severus has been prepared for an attack. He only wishes there was such a vial that could bring Remus back. Weakly, Severus manages to close his fingers around the cool glass, over the cork. Just one sip will bring healing and relief and life. One sip, and Severus will be able to fight for his life, to heal, and to finally take the role that is his: redeemed Death Eater, saviour, hero. Life or death, hope or despair... it does not matter because Remus is gone and the bond that kept them together is broken. This instant Severus cannot find anything to keep him from sinking into the blissful nothingness he has longed for since the moment he learnt of Lily's death.

Remus Lupin once tasted of regret, but Severus' decision doesn't. Sprawling on the dusty floor of the Shrieking Shack, he lets the small blue vial slip through his fingers and lets himself fall into the final darkness.

His last thought is of Remus' tentative honey-tasting kiss on a spring day those many years ago.

 

" _Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and above all, those who live without love."  
~Albus Dumbledore_


End file.
